How Getting Off Instagram Taught Me How To Love Myself More (and better)
I love Instagram. I really do. As a matter of fact, I posted to Instagram pretty much every single day for about two years straight. I built my audience to nearly 11K followers and had a great relationship with my followers.
Everything seemed great! On the outside I probably looked like I was a budding entrepreneur, growing her audience and making that dough. There was only one thing wrong: I felt like my Soul was being crushed - by the pressure to show up perfectly, not rock the boat, engage with every single person who commented on my post or in my DMs, and mostly, the comparison. Nothing I ever did ever felt like it was enough.
I honestly didn’t notice how bad I was starting to feel until it was a little too late. The negativity I was consciously inhaling on a daily basis was kind of like a slow burn, like when you put your hand on something hot and it may not register right away until you snap your hand back and, bitch - you got burned.
I knew something was shifting way back in March when we started to see the impact of the pandemic. More and more states going into quarantine, borders being closed, money being lost, businesses failing, people dying. As an empath I could literally feel the stress and anxiety oozing from everyone on the internet. This should have been my first clue. But as the perfectionist, overachieving, stubborn woman I tend to be, I pushed through like I had always done (a strategy that I know doesn’t work. Old habits die hard).
As the days and months went by, it became harder and harder to manage my own feelings, let alone my client’s, family’s and my peeps’ on Instagram.
Can you guess what I did? Yep - I kept going. Kept pushing. Kept trying to show up, although my intuition was screaming at me to take a breather, to take a step back and observe. My mindfulness training was telling me to stop and breathe, yet, I couldn’t. I was going against all the things I teach my clients and deep down I felt in complete and utter misalignment with my values.
By the time July rolled around I was barely hanging on by a thread. The comparison was pummeling me daily. The moment I open Instagram I’m bombarded with thoughts like “look how much farther along she is than I am. Why can’t I be like her? Everyone is successful except me. Why does it look so easy for everyone else? I totally suck!! I just need to quit. No one cares. I don’t care!”
I have three mental breakdowns over the course of three weeks. I was probably more depressed than I’ve ever been.
And it’s the day of my third breakdown as I’m laying on my living room floor crying at the ceiling that I decide to stop the madness.
“This isn’t what your life - anyone’s life! - is supposed to look and feel like. You’re out of alignment, Ash. You’re listening to everyone else except yourself. You’re letting the negativity trolls make your decisions. You’re the only one who can decide to stop.”
In what feels like an instant, I flash back to a question one of my clients had asked me: “is now, like during a pandemic, a good time to re-evaluate my life and pivot my career?” Yes, I say without hesitation. Hands-down, YES.
Yes. Now is the time to follow your dreams.
Yes. Now is the time to focus on what matters most.
Yes. Now is the time to shift careers, to do something scary, to quit, to start, to align fully and unequivocally with your Soul and stand true in what you really want.
As I lay on the floor sobbing, a million questions start rumbling through my mind like 10,000 bikers rumbling through a quiet down. It’s loud and they are relentless...
Is Instagram where I need to be spending my precious time and energy?
What’s the goddamn point?
Why do I feel so shitty every time I log on?
Does what I have to say even make an impact?
Will I regret spending all this time on Instagram ten years from now?
How much time am I wasting mindlessly scrolling through pictures of people I don’t even know? And why the fuck do I even care?
I’m mortified. For the first time in years it becomes crystal clear that this isn’t what I want. I don’t want the followers, I don’t want the likes, the stock photos, the real-life photos, the fishing for clients, none of it.
What I really want is to deeply connect with the people who want to align with their Soul Purpose. Who want Soul-centered joy, not ego-driven likes and ohhh-la-la’s. I want to have meaningful conversations, I want to help people transform their lives from monotonous, lackluster and uninspiring to inspired, energized and joyful.
That’s what I really want. And what am I willing to sacrifice to get it?
Now, if you’re still reading, thank you. I’ll get on with the self love piece now…
As I write this it has been exactly 19 days since being off Instagram.
On average I would spend, oh I’d say, about 2 hours a day scrolling, posting, checking, liking, following, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. So essentially in 19 days I have gained 38 hours back to my life. 38 hours I’ve spent creating an actual connection with myself, my life. I’m back in the saddle of my Soul 😉
In the days following my hiatus from Instagram I started to notice some really interesting things - my debilitating comparison was nearly gone, my negative self talk was cut in half (at least), my limiting beliefs, diminished.
I’m feeling more productive, I’m more inspired, I’m in a flow, I’m happy, I’m alive, I’m free.
I’m starting to realize that the love I have for myself is being generated internally, rather than by the number of people who like my post or followed me.
I’m no longer dependent on external sources making me feel worthy, valuable and loved because I already know I am - by myself.
I am no longer judging my worth or success by the people on Instagram telling me how cute I am.
I can vividly hear my intuition, and I’m following through. I know what I need immediately, and I asked for it.
I’m no longer spending my spare time mindlessly scrolling Instagram - instead, I’ve been spending my time reading, walking, sitting on my back patio, making nourishing meals, calling my friends, staring at the sky, playing with Winston, writing poetry and taking classes that light me up.
I had no idea just how dependent I had become on an app to make me feel good about myself. I know. This makes me sounds terribly lame, but I’m willing to sacrifice my pride in order to help someone feel less alone.
If your comparison is stripping you of your joy, if you’re mindlessly numbing out for hours on Instagram, if you feel uninspired, maybe it’s time for you to take a break, too?
Let me be clear - getting off Instagram is not the answer to all your self love problems. But it sure is a great place to start and it’s definitely worth a try.
Join us for a 10-day Sacred Soul Challenge happening August 31st, 2020.